Chickophobia (or the fear of being chick-ed on Valentine's Day)

{As published in the Valentine's Day edition of DC}

I’m not sure how I feel about Valentine’s Day anymore. I’ve never been a fan, but I’m not a hater either (because the only thing more uncool than loving Feb 14^th – is hating it). In fact, I’m not even judging. I’m just confused. What exactly is everyone celebrating?

It was clearer in the 90s when people still believed in such things as ‘true love,’ ‘for eternity’ and ‘love conquers all.’ Oh, wait. Maybe that wasn’t the 90s. Yeah, no – that’s just vampire fiction. But at least, people still reached out for love in its original, non-watered-down sense in fiction – as evident in all the 90s rom coms. From Ghost (death-will-not-do-us-part love) and Pretty Woman (against-all-odds love), all the way to Titanic (I’ll-die-for-you love) and City of Angels (I’ll-become-mortal-for-you love).

But things started changing in the early-mid 2000s – About a Boy (Commitment Phobe struggles to let people in) and Bridget Jones had once again fallen for the wiles of The Emotionally-Stunted Player in Bridget Jones 2. And suddenly, normal people weren’t cool anymore. People had to have ‘issues’ – commitment phobia or intimacy issues – in order to qualify as real, and love wasn’t that magical thing that just happened to people and they ‘just knew.’ Because enter the mid 2000s and everybody was confused - A lot like Love (because no one was sure anymore). And it’s been downhill since then – Knocked Up (a one-night-stand with a pot-smoking weirdo results in a baby), Friends with Benefits, No Strings Attached and it all hits a crescendo in Crazy Stupid Love. It would be fair to say that it’s the most popular brand of love that people subscribe to these days – the crazy, stupid variety. Which brings me back to my question – what is everyone celebrating?

I’ve noticed a peculiar trend in the last few years – people make it a point to reserve the flowers and any display of affection on Valentine’s Day for friends or family. In fact, they even consciously stay away from those they are ‘involved’ with in any capacity – because they’re paranoid about what might be inferred from it (True Love? Forever? Horrors.) I think this is both sweet and tragic. Sweet, because Valentine’s Day is still about ‘true love’ and ‘forever.’ Tragic, because most people now believe that this is only possible in the context of friendship.

This has led to a whole new kind of anxiety in women – Chickophobia or the fear of being chick-ed on Valentine’s Day. It’s the opposite of every guy’s perennial fear of being ‘friend-zoned’ by a girl he’s attracted to. Because when a woman really likes a man (even asexually), the last thing she wants is for him to see her as a ‘chick.’ Because then, he’s basically saying – you’re cool and fun but you’re not a permanent fixture in my life. Ouch. I mean, it’s difficult enough for us to find someone to like. And then to just get chick-ed like that? Ouch-ouch-ouch. You see, with the Notebook variety of love gone out of the window, friendship is probably the most sacred equation you can have with someone in these dark and cynical times. Like Phoebe Buffay once pointed out to Joey when he ditched her for a ‘chick’ – ‘You know, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this – is for life!’

So gentleman, don’t make your friends feel like chicks today. Send us the darn flowers. And please, no roses. Put some thought into it. When you send a woman flowers, you’re saying – this is how I see you. That’s why roses are a no-no. I mean, you might as well say: You’re textbook, you’re everywhere and you’re every other girl in the world. So. Tick-tock. No flowers and we’re going to feel chick-ed. Which means you get friend-zoned. By us and all our friends. Like, forever.

Chickmate.